God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Before Voldemort, this line of the Serenity prayer was pretty doable for me. If things don’t go our way, yes, initially, we are upset, angry, and or stressed. But if we take deep breath, put our emotions aside, and think about the issue, we can usually deal with the fact that “sh*t happens” and we figure out a way to adjust. Voldemort has made this acceptance, and the attainment of the serenity we seek, for me, near impossible, and almost unimaginable. I will probably spend my entire lifetime trying to accept the early death of my baby brother. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this fact haunts me every single day, several times a day, or more. I know so many of you who read this are going through some version of this. I pray daily for all of you, as I know you do for me.

I don’t want to get any darker than that (yet), but in order to talk about the next part, I needed to establish the dark, to introduce the light.

The next line then asks God to grant us “the courage to change the things we can.” I believe this is probably the most important line in the prayer. Why? We can pray all we want and ask for this that and the other thing. But this part, we actually have control over. YOU can be the change. If you have the courage, what could you accomplish in this lifetime?

I have always tried to live my life by “changing the things I can.” I’ve been successful in some areas and I’ve fallen short on others. Namely, fitness. I know it’s important, and sporadically, I do workout, or have a spell where I’m going to the gym regularly. But mostly, I’ve been lazy and never stuck with any kind of regime.

Stevie was very fit. A Jones Beach Lifeguard, he took pride in staying fit, agile and healthy. It was one (of many) ways he excelled in this life as “changing the things he could.” He was grateful to God for the life he was given, and treated his body like a temple, with the utmost respect. He regularly encouraged us to get up and out and walking or running or anything to keep us all healthy. (That’s Steve for you, isn’t it? Trying to take care of us all!)

Now in our post-voldemort world, a lot of what I do to “change the things I can,” I do for Steve. We all do. #LivingforSteve is scattered all over Facebook and Instagram now. You’ve probably also heard us say “Keep moving forward.” Walt Disney was the one who said it, and it has always had meaning for us, but now has become our positive mantra in dealing with this “new normal.”

So, after a very long-winded introduction, what am I doing to honor Steve and “change” my life?

I’m running. Note that I cannot yet call myself a “runner”, but yes I am running! Now to clarify, before I started training, I could barely run a full mile without stopping. In the past 6 weeks, I have been consistently running 3 times a week. I run with our friend, Pammie, I run with my husband, Tommy, my new sister, Nadia, and now even my sister, Kellie has started running! I ran my 1st 5k on June 8th for Thomas Reynolds, on the 4th of July we are running 4 miles and in October, I am signed up for a 10 miler! I am so nervous but so excited to put in the work for this.

I made it all sound easy in that paragraph, but it’s not. Running is hard. the more I do it, the more I realize that running is always going to be hard, and it doesn’t really get easier. My body just gets stronger and better able to deal with it. (Hmmm this sounds a lot like dealing with Voldemort) Sometimes, it’s enjoyable and we talk about Steve and we cheer ourselves on saying “this is for you, Stevie!” Other times, like I’ve said, it’s just hard, and it hurts and it sucks. Usually toward the end. But you know what I think about? Nothing will every be harder, or hurt more in this life than what I’ve had to deal with the last 2+ months. This [run] is nothing. Yea it sucks, but then its over in what? 5 min? 10 more min? And then you’re done, and you can shower and enjoy those endorphins you earned.

So no matter how it goes that day, it’s all for Steve. To make him proud, and to run every mile that he no longer can. Maybe to one day run the Rutgers Half Marathon that he was about to race in, but never made it to. I am already so proud of me (of all of us) for how far we’ve come with this personal goal we’ve set for ourselves to quite literally follow in Steve’s athletic footsteps. No matter how hard, we keep moving forward. 

Thanks for reading. I hope you all can find the courage to make changes to your own life that brings you joy, comfort, or even serenity. I’ll close with one of my favorite church hymns, that so reminds me of our Steve that it brings me to tears whenever I hear it.

We will run and not grow weary,

for our God will be our strength,

and we will fly like the eagle,

we will rise again.